Where it all began...

One of the topics in our discussion last night was, "How is your soul before the Lord?" It got my mind reeling. My answer is, of course, Not where I want it to be. As I was thinking about this on my way home last night, I thought about a post I made on my old blog a couple years ago. It's no secret that I went through a bad time about a year and a half ago; details will be spared because I'm not sure how much people do know or need to know. But this blog post is a tangible marker of where my life started on a steady decline:

What's going on with me these days, you ask? Oh, where to begin!?

My life has been jam-packed the past few weeks. Seriously, it feels weird to be home before 2 AM. Since I started working at the Pig, I've been working so much, (mostly nights,) that I had lost any resemlance of a social life. I've finally found some friends who share my weird hours... my co-workers. One of my managers, Nicci, asked me over after work one night with a bunch of other people. Some of her friends brought their guitars, and we sat around "jamming" all night, and had a blast! We've been doing that almost every night after work now. The guys play, and Nicci and I sing. She's got such a low, bluesy voice that I actually sing HIGH harmony, believe it or not. If I do say so myself, we sound amazing together. We want so badly to start a real band, but working mostly nights, when would we ever be able to play anywhere?

The downside....

We all know that I have always struggled with my tendencies toward a not-so-Godly lifestyle. And we all know that it's been a losing battle several times. In other words, I'm notorious for getting myself into trouble. I worry that I'm getting involved with a bad crowd. A lot of them drink while we're there, and I heavily suspect that there is drug use going on, too, but they are at least respectful enough of me to keep it on the down-low. (Either that, or they're afraid I'll rat them out.) I am very open about my faith, and it's no secret that I lead a much slower lifestyle than they do. I am doing a lot of praying lately, because I am and always have been, unfortunately, a "follower." It's really hard for me to be the odd one out. Luckily, drugs have never tempted me... I just think it's stupid. I just pray that I will continue to be a good witness to my new friends, and to "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which I have been called." I ask for your prayers, also, as well as your advice. Am I wrong to even associate with these people? Am I just asking for trouble? They are good friends, and I have a lot of fun with them. And like I said, they are very respectful of my values and beliefs, and even applaud them, whether they share them or not. I find myself really relating to my new friends, even with our vast differences, and that kind of creeps me out. Why do I find it so easy to find common ground with people who lead such a different life than I do (and not in a good way?) Am I right to worry about that? I like to think I'm spiritually mature enough not to be led into these things easily, but the rebellious nature I inherited from my father (thanks, Pops) is also still very much in existence and can't be ignored. Funny enogh, I keep thinking of Ben Abney lately. How he ran with kind of a wild pack in high school, but remained true to himself and to God, crazy hair, makeup, tattoos and all. I've always held such admiration for him for that, now more than ever. Kind of a two-way rebellion... fighting against society's view of, basically, what a "good Christian" should look like and act like, while still battling Satan and sin and remaining victorious in Christ. I love the concept, but I just pray that I will remain strong enough to keep my focus on God and not let myself be influenced by my surroundings. Peer pressure... it doesn't end on high school graduation day, does it? I'm comforted by the fact that my hunger for worship and my church family has not wavered in the least. Tonight's WOW meeting was great... just what the doctor ordered! I left tonight with a renewed confidence that I am still where I want to be in my spiritual walk. Again, just please keep me in your prayers.

Hindsight's 20/20, I guess, but seriously, how did I not see the dangerous turn my life was taking during that time? And how ARROGANT was I? I repeat:

I like to think I'm spiritually mature enough not to be led into these things easily

I left tonight with a renewed confidence that I am still where I want to be in my spiritual walk.

One of the things I've come to realize in the past few years, and what I said in our discussion last night, is that if you're ever in a place where you are confident in your soul before the Lord, it's time to re-evaluate. I have learned the hard way what happens when you get cocky and think that you are above the reach of worldly temptation.

And if you're reading this, and you ever hear me say anything remotely like the things I said in that post two years ago... please call me on it. Slap me around a little, even.